Fridge Logic

It’s amazing the new angles you uncover when, as an adult, you re-watch movies from your childhood.

Grandpa Joe was a real bad influence on Charlie.  Who was it that convinced Charlie to try Fizzy-Lifting Drinks that they were told not to try?  Who was it that wanted Charlie to sell the Everlasting Gobstobbers to Mr. Slugworth?  And what’s with that song?  “I’ve got a Golden Ticket!”  He doesn’t have a golden ticket, Charlie does.  Grandpa Joe’s trying to claim ownership over Charlie’s ticket!  Greedy bastard.

You know what else?  For all her self-advertisement as “Practically Perfect in Every Way,” Mary Poppins sure is mean.  I mean, sure, she takes the kids on outlandish cartoon adventures and whatnot, but when the kids try to talk to her about it afterward, she denies everything–even to the point of threatening nine-year-olds with a constable if they don’t shut up and go to sleep!  She’s reluctant about every fun thing they do–she didn’t want to race their horses, she tried to keep the kids from flying, and she had to be cajoled into taking everyone into the chalk drawing.  What’s up with that?

And another thing.  If Maleficent’s goblins were still searching for a baby 16 years later, don’t you think Maleficent would have realized this earlier?  Like, maybe, when Aurora was 11 or so?  Does Mal only do employee performance reviews every sixteen years?  And how’s a single raven going to search all the territory that a goblin army covered in a decade-and-a-half?

And why on earth would Dorothy want to go back home after the awesomeness of Oz?  She could have been Queen of Emerald City, or ruled the Winkies in the witch’s absence.  Queen Dorothea I, Witchslayer!  Instead you want to go back to Kansas where there’s no color, to live on a farmhouse and be leered at by three creepy farmhands?  Pah.  Reminds me of how badly Jack wanted to get off the Island–my question (like Locke’s) was always, “Why?”  Sure, there’s no place like home–at least, no place else could be that sucky.

How come the Goblin King isn’t a Muppet?  And why does he live in an M.C. Escher painting with the messed-up nonEuclidean dimensions?  Is gravity weird in his house?  Does he ever try to go to the bathroom, and find that gravity’s gone wonky and he’s peeing upward, and have to dodge?  (I peed horizontally once–off a mountain cliff with a strong wind behind me.  It was awesome.)

The repeated saving-of-the-dinosaurs that happens at the end of every Land Before Time movie, whether from dying Green Food or lack of water or killer comets, is negated by the fact that, sooner or later, they’ve got to go extinct.  There are no apatasaurouses in the modern day.  Of course, they’re never going to show the one where Littlefoot gasps out his last amidst rotting carcasses in a post-ELE starvation scenario.  (Unless the Great Valley is supposed to be some sort of A.C. Doyle’s “The Lost World” tie-in?)


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