The Con Artist Formerly Known As…

If you ask any romantic woman, or even most standard-issue women, what the absolute ideal of the perfect man is, chances are you’ll hear “Prince Charming,” or perhaps some variant thereof.  “My knight in shining armor,” “my prince,” etc.

So, in the interests of becoming a more perfect man, I thought I should do I little research into the guy.  I mean, if Prince Charming is really so awesome, I could stand to imitate the guy a little.

Here’s what I found…

1)  Dude was a playa.

Prince Charming cheated on all those princesses.

Think about it.  Who fell in love with Cinderella at the ball?  Prince Charming.  Who woke Snow White with a kiss?  Prince Charming.  Who rescued Rapunzel from her tower?  Prince Charming.  This one guy married just about every princess except Belle, Jasmine and Aurora.

Ladies, how did you miss this?  Sure, he sounds like the perfect guy if you only listen to one story.  But in all of them?  Either Prince Charming is a polygamist or we have some serious affairage going on.

I mean, even if there are two Prince Charmings (Charmingses?  Charmingi?), someone’s still being unfaithful.

“I was raised to be charming, not sincere.”

2)  Dude doesn’t talk.

Prince Charming, apparently, doesn’t talk.  He only sings.

Think about it.  In Cinderella, does the guy ever talk?  No.  The red-faced king and the comic-relief Duke do all this talking, plotting, scheming, etc.  But Charming himself does no talking–he just stands there and looks dashing.  We hear his voice only one time–when Cinderella is singing “So This Is Love” in her head, and Charming sings this weird telepathic duet with her.  (Watch that scene again.  His lips aren’t moving.  He’s some sort of crazy mentalist psionic or something!)

In Snow White, the guy gets a few little lines, but mostly he sings.  What does he sing about?  “One song… I have but one song…”  Poor dude.  He spends his only song in the whole movie singing about how Disney only allotted one song to him and let the prepubescent princess and her army of little people have all the other solos.

Ladies, are you trying to tell us, by your love for Prince Charming, that you want us to be quieter?  I was under the impression that we males already tend toward to be tactiturn far more than you prefer.

Either that, or you want us to sing everything.

She:  “What are you thinking about?”
Me:  “Oh, nothing much.  I’m just thinking about…”  *sings*  “I was just thiiiiinkiiiiing… of making tortelliiiiiiiniiiiii….  for tomorrow’s diiiiinnEEEEEEEEERRRRR!”
She:  “What are you doing?!”
Me:  *still singing*  “I am only siiiiiiinngiiiiiing…  about my tortelliiiiiinIIIII–“
She:  “You’re going to wake our landlords!”
Me:  *still singing*  “But I just want to telllllllll youuuuuu… about my–“
She:  *presses a pillow over my face*

3)  Dude is Treated Like A Sex Object

Men get a bad rap for objectifying women.  Basically, treating women like objects to be desired rather than treating them like real people.

But what about Prince Charming?  The guy’s like a bump on a log.  What do we REALLY know about Prince Charming?
–He dances
–He’s rich
–He allegedly has a smoking hot bod
That’s… about it.

In Snow White, all the guy does is ride around on his horse, singing to and kissing little girls.  In Cinderella, all the guy does is yawn and dance.  I mean, seriously.

Does the guy have a sense of humor?  Is he a good listener?  Does he have any hobbies?  We don’t know.  We don’t even know his real name.  People talk about Prince Charming being brave.  Yet in most stories we never see Prince Charming do anything other than sit around looking pretty.

If a guy was drooling over a woman, but didn’t know her name, and only knew that she was a rich hot dancer, most women would be disgusted by that.  But why is it okay with the notorious P.C.?

Ladies, your touting of Prince Charming makes me nervous–it smacks of golddigging and (*sniff* *sniff*) makes me feel like a piece of meat.  (*sniff*)

4)  But lo, I will shew you a more excellent way…

Ladies, if you really insist on having a Disney prince to hold as your standard, might I humbly suggest that you prefer Prince Philip of Sleeping Beauty to Prince Charming?

–Philip has a personality: headstrong, brave, egalitarian tendencies.
–Philip, unlike other princes, gets an opportunity to be badass–he kills a freakin’ sorceress/dragon  (even if he gets a little help from the PowerPuff Girls).
–Philip actually has a name.
–Philip is only associated with the one princess: not a cheater.
–Philip may sing once in a while, but he can talk too.

I can’t speak for all guys, but I have a bit more respect for Philip than I do for Charming.  (A bit–he’s still a Disney cartoon, after all.)

Just a suggestion.


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